In my most recent entry,we see a character personified. An individual person has been raised by the ones whose lives should have exemplified decency and honesty,love and uprightness,wholesomeness,cleanliness,and so on. The example they gave however,was a forced agenda of do as I say and not as I do. The child that they raise becomes a prisoner to their teaching and morals and religious inflexibility and because the weightier matters of love, compassion,and mercy are not demonstrated,the child rebels. In it's rebellion the child or person is fully aware that the experiences in their life have caused their very personality and body (their whole being for that matter) to be crippled and malformed but can find no way to escape the torment and therefore decides to return hate back to those who neglected and abused and all who ally themselves with their beliefs.This stance of unholy bitterness and hatred causes the person's personality to become even more grossly malformed causing the child to become more like those she or he hates than they are in their own lives...thus completing the vicious cycle of bitterness.What makes this sad is that the hurting individual is so engrossed in it's own pain that it doesn't see it's own worth or value and the very people who are in a position to help the child are being pushed away by that bitter root and what ensues is that the rebellious one will gather around itself all that are very like itself for some sort of consolation or support,not realizing that these will flee and abandon as easily as did the guardians entrusted with the persons care in the first place.The agony that a person such as this will experience will either cause that person to attempt to overthrow all that remotely reminds them of their flawed guardians or attempt to create a crusade of sorts that represents a large scale overthrow of socially accepted norms so that others need not endure the same treatment. It can be easily understood at this point why wholescale revolutions are almost always empowered by a small group of individuals who have suffered personal devastation in their own lives and have successfully joined themselves merely from the standpoint of an ongoing vengeful reaction to their original pain. Since the world is full of hurting people it would be very easy to become part of the bandwagon.There are no strong values or principles in their unity. They exist for the sole purpose of showing their hatred for their original offenders. This same concept can become obvious to us if we look at the different ideals that motivated the people in the French Revolution and those ideals that motivated the patriots in the American Revolutionary War. Incidentally,the character in my metaphoric summary is a simple toilet brush. It is one-legged,very clean brush head etc. If you reread the story with that in mind you may capture some of it's essence and perhaps see the pain of a child who has been wounded.The answer to the dilemma is healing and forgiveness. 

There is a comfort in the pain of the arms because a type of high is produced that distracts the cutter from the real pain.You know this.Sooner or later though,the inner pain must be dealt with.It doesn't matter how many years ago we cut,or drank or did something to ourselves that allowed us to forget the unprocessed grief. If the grief is still unprocessed,then are we yet ill.What did you do for yourself in your thinking and in your feelings about yourself that helped you become this victor? What tools are you using now in your fight against self-blame and self-destruction?

Forgive me if I seem intrusive and it is not my desire to meddle ,but; if the pain remains forever then are we all doomed. But if it is true that it can be healed then we have hope.For this season it seems to persist and it's ache seems permanent. If the body is wounded then the anti-bodies and immune system kick in to attempt to bring health.

To where should we go for immunity for the soul and where are the anti-bodies of the heart? This I believe is the adventure more critical then the hurt itself; The search for the answer to my deepest pain. If the Psychiatrists had all the answers then they would not have so many issues themselves. Where is the mirror that will show the appearances of my heart so that I may understand the nature of it's bruises and tears, joys and fears?

Someone said once that every man has three deepest needs: 1)The need to enter a glorious adventure.  2) The need to find and capture a Beauty   3) The need to do battle with any that would seek to do violence to the Beauty or to thwart the purity of the adventure.

Although this may seem too chivalrous and so old fashioned then why are we often times so endeared with our Grandparents (there are some exceptions here). I believe there is a code written inside of us that governs or at least seeks to govern the very affairs of our hearts and that for all of us that code is marred and twisted in some way or another and barely resmbles it's original form and posture making it nearly impossible for it to govern the affairs of the whole person...making dis-ease an inevitable thing in our lives. I know...I could have written the book on depression from the valley of sadness ,where I often dwell. And I'm sorry this is so wordy but I know there is hope because the process of healing is taking place inside of me now. Thank you again for your uplifting words to me!

When there is a wound with incessant bleeding...then the victim will almost certainly  look at himself or herself as first and as number 1. It is the nature of our survival,I think ,that forces us to to be self-absorbed and to be forever needy till the wound is healed. Until this begins to happen,all of us or any of us will show compassion and love to others with an hidden agenda to receive something in return in order to deliver some form of relief for thepain.But no person can really fill that ache...they can only give first aid to keep us alive...but the bleeding remains...and in every relationship no matter how much we give; our actions will be betrayed by the bleeding wound and we will be coming across (almost sub-consciously) as a love sponge. Where did the wound begin? It is different for all of us and there are sometimes hundreds of wounds. A wise counselor once said (I will paraphase) We receive our very deepest sense of worth as individuals as well as our very strongest spiritual values from our Mothers. We receive our very strongest sense of social skills and worth as gifted doers in the world,from our Fathers. If these statements hold any truth or value with regard to the issues of our lives then if a child has no bonding with Mom from it's earliest days because she does not or cannot possibly offer it...then what of the ache!? This is an heart that is essentially empty except for whatever Dad or other caretakers may or may not have offered to us. Though some may disagree and suggest this as so much poppyrooster...my contention is that a bleeding human heart can only be safely healed and restored to it's worth and value both humanly and spiritually by an heart that is bigger....but is yet human. Your search for Love and meaning in Life is COMMENDABLE! Were it not for your aches you would never search. If you never searched you would never consider a relentless search. Without a relentless search,you would never find...and the results would be emptiness. It doesn't have to be! The words I speak are first to me and then possibly to you...but not just for me...Regards!

Keep your chin up.  I know its hard.  I am feeling much your same pain in many ways.  I wonder some days if.... we ever really get over things... or just learn to live with the pain of loss.

Enjoy your writtings, keep up the good self work.

Kitten

If you going to kill your self i would say take alot of pill i think its better then drowning.. but don't kill your self you'll find someone soon or later just let it come to you.. but i know what you mean nice poeple always get screwd half the time..  i know being lonely don't feel good i can tell you that from experience i have been alone for my hole life no bf or anything so im use to it. but it dose suck and it make you think about it alot when your by yourself in your bed it make you think about it alot tell you fall asleep.. but i hope things get better for you.. stay strong..!